Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Who Am I?

So, if you didn't know this already, but I'm involved in lots of different "things". I like to say extra curricular, but there isn't a whole lot of curricular in my life. 

Lately I've realized that at each difference place or activity, I tend to be a little bit of a different person. I know they are all "me", but different sides come out in different places. Orchestra, Friends, Family, Youth and Work...

 I can honestly say I'm happiest about who I am with my friends. Around my friends I feel maybe the most like "me". It definitely has a lot to do with who my friends are (they are awesome!). They bring out the best in me. 

When with them I can be fun, loud and crazy, but then at the same time I can be serious and emotional (oh, the number of times my friends have had to deal with that!), and then most of all, I can be "spiritual". I don't mean that in a trite way by any means. You know how with certain people you can just open up? That's how I feel with them. I can talk about God, what I understand, what I don't understand, what I disagree with, or really anything.

I love my friends, and I love being me with them...and I laugh more than ever with them too.

CHOIR AND ORCHESTRA (why don't have I have a photo?!)
I think I'm pretty similar here as with my friend, just may a little more mature. I don't quite let loose like I can. As concertmaster and part of the creative team, there isn't as much of an opportunity to really let everything go. 

But in a way, it is different. I can be the musical and creative me. I can gush about how hard or amazing a song is. I can just talk music and creativity. I'm a confident in who I am, but know that I'm certainly not the best musician there and am totally okay with my limitations. I'm motivated to get better and just have fun. This is very much the funnest and most satisfying activity I do.

Oh a place for me to be extreme. I lead Bible Study, and will make a total fool of myself while singing High School Musical with them (hmmm, or by myself). 

I don't feel like I'm a great Bible Study leader. I could put more effort into it, and after doing for five years, I feel very much like I'm in a rut that I don't have the energy to get out. I'm really seeking the Lord on what He has in store for me next year.

But, oh the fun I have with them...the silliest can abound and just can be so much fun! I love letting the girls be silly and not be so serious about being in high school. I like to hear about the boys, the hardships, the friendships, and just about life. The hugs I get from them are my favourite part of church.

I would have to say this is where I least like "myself" and where I least like myself. While I'm confident in who I am, I'm the least confident here. I'm not really sure what happens to me. 

Over the last year I've been working primarily by myself.  I'm a social person, but can't and aren't at work. I find this puts me in a strange head space. I really don't know if I want to be left alone and just given work that I can do independently. I crave that at times. And the rest of the time I just crave for the reality of last year, when I didn't have masses of responsibility and I could just count on other people to make decisions for me.

God is pushing me in my job. I've spent the last three months trying to figure out if I want to stay or not. The state of "transition" has been there for months and I'm not convinced it will ever leave. I'm tired.  It's stretching. It hurts.

But it isn't that what God does? He moves us from comfortable to make us stronger, to make us call to Him and Him only. I know that if I were to just throw in the towel now, it was feel like epic failure. I'm being given so many amazing opportunities to grow in my career and as a person. So, I'm still here,  up and down more than ever, but still going, continuing, and pushing through.

Oh family. I would definitely say I take on the "youngest" role. After all, I am the youngest. I'm silly, I make very stupid and silly jokes and laugh at them more than anyone else, until Reid looks at me, shakes his head, and starts laughing.

I would also say that I have the "youngest syndrome". I let other take the lead, I sit back and expect others to do things for me, I don't lead out in serious conversation often, and have a hard time opening up.

I love to hang out with my family.


So, that's me. Sort of. I'm not really sure how to explain me. Is there actually a way to explain someone? I find it interesting how different parts of me come out in different areas. And I'm happy with who I am, know there is always room for improvement. I'm not perfect yet. ;)